Dark eyes, dark hair, it's just me.

pain-is-my-game:
You’ll never love me in any way that actually matters. I know this. I’ve repeated it to myself over and over again. And yet it still hurts.

taarokeshabd:
having ‘mommy issues’ with a present mom is so weird because like.
i love the idea of having a mom. we never get along. i fucked up because you hurt me. stop being my mom, please. i don’t want to hate you. i don’t think i hate you. i love you. i’m glad you’re alive. leave me alone. i hate you. i’m sorry i messed up. you deserve better than me. i want a better mom. i don’t deserve a better mom. i know it isn’t your fault. you’re just as hurt as i am. please stop. i can’t be in the same room as you. i’m glad you’re there. it’s not the same. i want to leave. this is home. the chaos feelings like home. i want a mom. i’m sorry i tried standing up for myself. you were right. please change your ways. be kinder to me. i should be nicer to you. stop this. don’t. please leave. don’t go. i want a mom. i’m glad you’re here. i wish you were present in my life more. don’t get in my life now. i don’t need you. i can’t do this without you. i’m sorry. please forgive me. i did nothing wrong. it’s not your fault either. i want to escape this. i don’t want to leave. i’m tied to this burning tree. you lit it on fire. but you’ve been tied before me.
I’m the eldest daughter of an eldest daughter. Everything she does to me was done to her. She has told me over and over how she hated what they did to her while she is doing the same to me.

tenaciouscookiefreakparty:
Do you know how it feels when the person you took care of and love the most, now wishes that you just disappear?
This is just karma, isn’t it?

raen1:
— being the oldest kid is nothing but being your sibling’s mom and your mother’s second mother

mother-of-houseplants-2:
there’s nothing like the terribly specific hurt of growing up always trying to protect your little sibling from your parents, always shielding them and watching them like a hawk and teaching them not to be too loud or too argumentative or too in the way, only to watch your parents get better for them. not perfect, no, but better.
because it means that they always had the capability to be good. they always had the ability to be mature and kind and raise their children with love and easy affection and laughter instead of raised fists and sharp nails and terrible words. they were always capable of change. they just didn’t want to do it for you.
and you don’t want to be jealous because that’s your little baby sister, who you love, who you grew up protecting, who matters more to you than anyone on the planet, but you are. you’re jealous and it’s eating you up inside and you’re so sick with guilt but you can’t help it; you wanted the mom who loves you even when you mess up instead of slapping you across the face. you wanted the dad that makes weekend afternoons fun instead of getting drunk and weepy about his life to you like you’re a therapist. you wanted the parents you could trust to love you no matter what.
why does she get those parents and not you? why didn’t you deserve that mom and dad? why weren’t you enough for them to want to change? what did you do wrong?

henry-fox-biggest-stan:
The older sibling urge to not be an older sibling. To be a younger sibling instead. To have an older sibling who took care of you and loved you when you needed it. Who tells you about their experiences in high school and the things they do and did with their friends. Who hugs you when you’re upset and who understands. Who defended you, who helped you grow up. Who enjoys spending time with you, and who, inevitably, will fight with you. Who will be there for you.
And then realizing than that “older sibling” is just parents. Wishing to have your parents present, instead of having to raise yourself, like you did.

x3nshit:
another shitty thing about being the eldest daughter who based her worth on academics and how useful she can be to others is that it physically hurts to ask for help even when we desperately need it. it’s an internalized belief that we should we able to figure out everything on our own and it sucks